for every sin–including blame–on Him was laid

September 14, 2011 in sex, relationships, and women with 8 Comments

“I just feel that God is doing some incredible work through my life right now and that you’re not a part of it.”

This lovely jewel was overheard by a good friend of mine the other day in one of the dinning halls on campus. If you haven’t been in the Christian dating community for very long, you may not be familiar with the ‘Jesus told me we should break up’ line, but it is a vital tool in the war on taking personal responsibility.

Three dates in and you’re pretty sure that things aren’t going to work out but you don’t want to look like a jerk for ending it?

Have no fear, there’s always Holy Ghost to blame!

Don’t get me wrong, the high demand mission field of college courses and coffee runs and prayer meetings and pledge week makes dating difficult. Christ our Lord often intervenes in such areas to tell us that we should, as unkindly as possible, detach ourselves from anyone who isn’t a perfect fit. Holy Ghost leans down and whispers a quick reminder in our ear about our calling or vocation and then makes us feel suddenly so unhappy whenever we are near the person that He thinks we should stop dating.

(An alternate form to the line above, for instance, is to say, “Jesus feels frowny-face in my heart when I’m around you.”)

Afraid that the person you’re breaking up with won’t understand? That’s alright. They just haven’t been listening as closely to Jesus as you have. Jesus, who is always interested in turning people away as bluntly and with as much spiritual condescension as possible.

Right?

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So, like the +1 attack! a few weeks ago, this is a bit of humor and snark. But it’s an honest concern. The line quoted at the beginning was honestly spoken by a guy to a girl. I do, in fact, believe that God does have a very real, very authentic place in dating relationships, but the balance of what that means–discerning the difference between Holy Ghost and having eaten a bad clam–is imperative.

What do you think? Where does God fit into dating? How do we know without presuming too much that feeling equates to spiritual signs?

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Fletcher

I went to a christian college (Liberty University). I saw this same sort of thing on a regular basis. This line was even thrown at me on occasion. To make matters worse it was usually done via e-mail or facebook. This excuse always really aggravated me. I made a point never to play the Jesus card even when it fit. There was one circumstance with a girl where she knew God was calling her to the Dominican Republic, and I knew that my passion for ministry simply wasn’t placed their. We both new it wouldn’t work because of God, but neither of us never played it up that way. Instead we both agreed we were going different directions and we simply weren’t a good fit for each other because of that.
I may get heat for this, but I’m not supremely confident that God create one perfect being for you and that is all you get. I think some people are a better fit for you then others obviously. I also believe Scripture gives us characteristics we should be looking for in a spouse. However, these all have more to do with the type of person they are as opposed to their vocation, talents, and dreams.
I knew by being a pastor I would need to have a wife that was able to handle that kind of life. When I dated girls that I realized didn;t fit that mold I didn’t say, “Jesus told me I should break up with you.” I own up to my decision. I told them I believed we weren’t a good fit for each other. I didn’t think they were a bad person. I think people mostly play the Jesus card to avoid conflict. How can you argue with God?
What also gets ugly is when you try and break up with someone and they tell you that God told them you were supposed to be together.
On a side note, what is with the whole girls saying, “I am just dating Jesus right now?” Even my wife gets annoyed over that.
Anonymous

oh goodness. this is pure gold, my friend. favorite line: “Jesus feels frowny face in my heart when I’m around you.”

in all seriousness, i think we throw a lot of blame toward God. almost as if WE can’t take ownership of our feelings. as if we can’t take the confrontation we know will happen if we admit we were wrong…

so instead of being real, we nod our heads and smile demurely. we put a ring on our finger and shyly whisper we’re dating Jesus. we look someone we care{d} for in the eyes and tell them we had a red line to Christ and they don’t.

and yes, Christ can speak to us. yes, He can make known our decisions aren’t what He wants for our life. but WE made the decision – not Him. i love the way you put it: discerning God’s voice to eating a bad clam. yes. THIS.

just doesn’t make any sense. praying for your friend.
http://twitter.com/joshstephens Joshua Stephens

I know what you’re talking about. I have been told that line before, only to wonder why God led the girl to another guy in less than a week. Was it God? I doubt it. I feel as if too often people use God as an excuse so that they do not have to be the bad guy/girl.
What I’ve learned though is that when God become the center of your life, before a relationship even begins, He will be present within the relationship as well. The thing is, He must also be present in the life of the other person. If you are both talking with God and nurturing your relationship with Him, He will either confirm or deny the fact that you should be together.
A lot more needs to be taken into account though. But God should always remain the center of a relationship. He should be a firm foundation, not a last ditch effort to get out of what you now see as a mistake.
http://twitter.com/Goannatree Anna Blanch

woah….when i saw your “selective tweet” i knew this post was going to have some corkers in it! I just hope her name wasn’t “Leah”! ;)
http://amykiane.typepad.com/ Amy Nabors (@amykiane)

I always enjoy your snark and humor. If I ever have to go back into the dating world I’m just not sure how I would handle any of it.
http://twitter.com/evefogle Evelyn Fogleman

I feel like the “Jesus wants us to break up” line is only acceptable if there is no other discernible reason for the relationship ending (picture skipping through meadows happily when lightning strikes). C’mon, is there really a divine intervention here, or would you just rather focus on your friends/school/cat instead of dating your new romantic interest?

Not to say that Jesus doesn’t influence that tugging on your heart to go in a different direction, but spare the other person that line and really examine your motivations instead so you can at least give them your (and possibly Jesus’s too) reasoning.
http://www.prudychick.com Prudence

I think this falls in line with the, “God told me we’re supposed to get married.”

Really…did He now. He failed to inform me about that, and by the way who are you?
http://www.caitlinmuir.com Caitlin Muir

I think people use the Holy Ghost card when they see red, or even yellow flags, in the other person. It’s so much easier to say, “Hey, God told me no,” than it is to say, “I don’t know you very well but when you do x, it makes me feel apprehensive about dating you.”

Red flags are the glaring obvious things we shouldn’t go for. No doubt about it. But often, we just see yellow flags and don’t know how to work through them.

Sometimes it is God…but sometimes it’s our own insecurities.