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Archive - November, 2011

my comment filter, myself

November 30, 2011 in reflections with 34 Comments

I was coming from a weekly coffee with one of my best friends, in which I shared about the terrible thing of His silence and learning to accept it, about how I was coming to a place where I was learning to want the good of God more than the goods of this world, how God hadn’t owed me an explanation for the years I had spent feeling isolated, made fun of, but that they did somehow make sense, that they had brought me to this fierce place, this sure place, in which I was willing to lose all for the sake of following if, in an upset of the many waters, Holy Ghost rolled across and breathed out, “It’s time to go!”

And as I walked away, I checked my email …

A blurred email and IP adress, along with the specific curse word, as that's not really what all this is about.

If you’re unable to read it from the above, I shall reproduce here.

For such a classifying [sic] yourself as such a “Christian” person, you’re a real d*** [my censoring] in everyday life. Not at all an example of Christ or His love for humanity. In other words, a hypocrite.

It came like a hammer to my gut. Blood ran down fast into legs and pressed into feet, breath got lost somewhere in my throat and I wanted to run away. Continue Reading…

going through the motions

November 29, 2011 in reflections with 13 Comments

This isn’t my best, as I am a touch exhausted, but the prompting was it needed saying. Sometimes, you simply have to let go …

We are in the midst of the season of expectation, remembering the coming of Christ and looking to His return. What a mystery, the Incarnation, that God hallowed this wounded thing called body when He took on flesh. Laughter, running, motion itself took on holiness, for the Holy pressed into limbs and declared the body to be good, reaffirmed the splendor of the Creation–that all from the mouth of God through the power of Christ and in the fidelity of the Spirit was purposed from inception as good, as His, and that these fingers and toes wiggling in search of warmth are too made good, made holy.

And for me, this is in some ways everything.

I had occasion this past week to explain to someone I love very much why I, among other Anglican-leaning things, cross myself. I had been asked before, but I had not yet found the vocabulary to explain it, to bridge tactile touch of forehead, stomach, and across my breast with the words of meaning and the explanation of grace. But sitting there, all transparent self and offered being, I realized that it has everything to do with this hallowing of the body.

I have been exhausted for the past month, a word I do not use lightly.

I have come to grapple and embrace the silence of the present walk He has given me, which itself, aside from the massive thesis (chapter one, of four, just hit word 13,000, in footnotes, 3,000, and we’re nearly just past what I estimate to be half-way done), and the basic demands of attending class, is wearing me quite thin. Continue Reading…

accepting His silence — today at deeper story

November 28, 2011 in deeper story with 8 Comments

Today, I share at Deeper Story …

I pool myself on the table in front of him to try and make him understand, which is silly, because he does. But I have come to think that metered words and breathed prose somehow makes sense of my tangled mess of being, that I have to explain myself aloud, neglecting the power of the sacrament of the unspoken word—things betrayed and conveyed in eyes, in half-nods, in unspoken prayers.

“He’s silent,” it’s more choked than I would have liked, but this is part of the unspoken revelation, too. It’s been this way since September, a feeling that God is abundantly present, a sense of peace in the very core of my soul, and yet no kindling tickle of wings against my heart, against my being, so that I am caught betwixt an absolute certainty and trust that He exists, that He saturates the cosmos, but these truths, this Truth, does not feel present, does not feel true.

And I’m desperate. Eyes betray, convey.

I fear the future. I fear that He has led me into a time of such profound certain uncertainty, that this ground beneath my feet feels so absolutely solid and yet each step forward into darkness feels as if it could be a step off into the abyss.

And I pool. I pool all this in mangled words in front of him and he understands, but I keep talking, because what I’m not saying is that I’m scared and talking about it helps me be less afraid. At least, I think it does. I’m not certain of much apart from Him in this strange land of exile.

Join me on this journey today, over at Deeper Story?

the thirty-first formica friday (abridged)

November 25, 2011 in formica friday with 0 Comments

It’s that time again, another Formica Friday, a treasure trove of hodgepodge, random tidbits, and a bit of this and that. In particular, it is the place where I can celebrate the best posts I read this past week and want to share with you. But since it’s the holiday, we’re coming up a little light this week. So, in an abridged form …

A quote:

“The prayers of words cannot be eliminated. And I must pray them daily, whether I feel like praying or not. Otherwise, when God has something to say to me, I will not know how to listen. Until I have worked through self, I will not be enabled to get out of the way.”

– Madeleine L’Engle

A list, in which I describe what I am thankful for:
  • a community of friends that stretches continents
  • the cypress trees in winter
  • painting at my kitchen table
  • the deep things of mercy and forgiveness
  • hours and hours of sanctioned laziness
  • chocolate with lavender and blueberries
  • friends for the journey
Posts, websites, trinkets, and the Internet week in review revue (after the jump):

  • for achingly beautiful narrative, an extraordinary trust in grace, and words that will challenge and break you, Elora with “in search for Allah”
And, as always, an old post from me:
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Have a post from the week you’d like to share? What was your best post this week? Or did you read someone else you just have to let us know about? Leave me a note in the comments below!

another preview of my advent ebook

November 22, 2011 in eBook with 3 Comments

As you all know, last week I released my eBook, This Fearsome Thing of Grace, a collection of Advent reflections from the first Sunday to Christmas Eve. I am home, painting, baking, and buried in my thesis. But there is the livelihood to be considered, shamed as I am to say it aloud. So, as is the case when it comes to these things, I’m pitching it hard and fast right at you.

The blurb on the description:

Daily reflections for Advent 2011, based on the lectionary readings from the 1979 Book of Common Prayer. From the first Sunday of Advent to Christmas Eve, these are pooled words, short insights, and thoughts to hold close as we journey together toward the coming of our Saviour. Part memoir, part reflection, daily offerings of simple grace. Features hyperlinks to each of the day’s readings for easy access.

Four ways to buy:

For your Kindle.

For iPad or iPhone to be in iBooks.

For any other eReader, including iPad and iPhone. (Download from Lulu, then drag the file into iTunes to load it into iBooks, or open the file in whatever eReader you have! If you need one, Adobe Digital Editions is a free reader that works on everything but Mac OSX Lion.)

For computer and to print, as a PDF. (Download from Lulu and you’re ready to go!)

And another preview: Continue Reading…

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