[caption id="attachment_4109" align="aligncenter" width="434"] Rouault. Miserere Plate 5: Solitaire, en cette vie d'embuches et de malices.[/caption]
Depending on whom you ask, I may not be a virgin.
There was the time on the bus, maybe eight years ago now, when we were coming back from a school event and she and I played an old song with our hands and bodies to the hypnotic rhythms of seeing just how far we could go without going all the way.
I remember how I planned in the deepest part of self exactly what we could do to make sure that song reached its ending. I had already taken her hand and pulled her away from our friends, I had already been with her, beside her, mumbling about what it meant and what it might mean and who we could never tell.
But something of the pyrite shown just long enough for me to doubt and the whole thing was undone.
I left her there after she kissed me, walking like a shell of being back to my car, in the dark, across the parking lot. All I could hear was Air's "Playground Love" over and over.
It seems a lifetime ago now. Someone else's story.
According to incarnate God, I acted as an adulterer.
I don't dispute it.
I was that night.
This is a part of me that I carry inside, in that space where ourbodies are the guilty ones.
Am I a virgin?
In the sense that I have not known a woman, as the King James terms it, yes.
In the sense that I have honoured God and a fellow person made in the image of Him, saving every single part of self and soul and heart that belongs to the sacrament of marriage?
No.
But what I learned in youth group was that the final line was the line of no return, that everything up to full intercourse was sinful, but not as sinful as outright sex.
So I walked away that night with shame that I had gone as far as I had, but a strange feeling of pride that I also hadn't gone all the way.
I'm not like them.
Yet, Jesus.
But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Sarah Bessey wrote the best post on sexuality and the Church I have ever read.
Combing through the comments, you can hear the voices of the oppressed.
You hear the pain, the damage, the sense of unwinding, of selves not truly selves anymore, tiny pieces of being lost somewhere in the message that sex is the only other thing that separates you from God eternally.
And I'm thinking of that night, of walking back to my car, of "Playground Love," and of youth group.
I was so proud that I hadn't gone too far.
I was so proud.
I had kept the rule but I had broken the spirit of it.
I had kept no sex.
But I had broken no lust.
It was a few years ago, but when I saw that, when the Holy Ghost reached down into the core of my being and shook me hard until I surrendered all my legalistic control, everything else began to unravel, too.
And then slowly be rebuilt.
We need a new way of talking about why we are obedient to God.
Our list of rules, our insistence that if we can keep from this, this, and this, we'll have it all worked out is failing us, failing a generation, and failing a Church.
You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.
Love.
Out of love, all the other commandments flow.
Out of love comes the Law.
Out of love comes Jesus.
Why do we obey God?
Because we love Him.
We love him, because he first loved us.
Because I love God, I view sexuality differently.
Because I love God, it grieves me when I look upon a woman with lust, as property, because I am devaluing His creation, which He has called holy and good.
Because I love God, I can look upon my past mistakes with sadness but with the hope of redemption.
And, because I love God, I know that there are more stories, more songs, and more good works to be done.
And love?
Love looks like prayer.
Love looks like spending time in Scripture.
Love looks like listening well to the heart of others.
Love looks like Jesus.
Is it that simple?
What if we started asking ourselves, What would Jesus do or say in this moment?
To the crowd of people we don't know.
To the already converted wondering how to toe the line.
To the boy walking in the darkness with "Playground Love" stuck in his head.
Preston, do you love me?
Holy Ghost whispered that against my heart that night. I stared up into the darkness, the shame of it all now the shame of having sinned against God, against her, against us together.
Preston, do you love me?
No condemnation in Christ Jesus. No fear of Hell need keep me in line, but the sadness that comes knowing that I have grieved the heart of my God.
Preston, do you love me?



